Friday, November 5, 2010

you know that feeling... the world is changing. you're changing. you're life is flashing right before your eyes. i swear it was just last week i was falling asleep in kindergarten in the cubbies where the teacher couldn't find me. now i'm dozing off in 8 am classes... where i have no idea what the professor is even talking about. where has time gone? my life is literally flying by... and i'm only 21 years old. i've lost people, i've hurt people, and people have hurt me. i've had people make an impact on my life, and i would like to say that i've made an impact on others. with everything going on in my life right now... sometimes it's hard to sit back and think, it's fine i have faith it will all work out. but if i didn't... then how could i really call myself a woman of God. hypocritical don't ya think? this time of the year brings back horrible memories... and as i sat in class today... tears swelled in my eyes. my mood for the past two days with these stresses in my life has not be my ever so happy bubbly cierra mood. but it's deeper than that. it goes deeper than finances, and school, just life in general and every day struggles. this time last year my uncle, my only real uncle was diagnosed with cancer. cancer that was too late to catch, it had spread to almost every inch of his body. an uncle that i had only seen strong willed and such a hard worker. with a laugh, smile, and sense of humor that i loved. a man, a smart man, a family man. my uncle was amazing. amazing doesn't even fill it. this time last year i had taken off a semester, a semester to figure out my life... but little did i know what my family would face... yet, what my uncle would face. God knew exactly what he was doing... i was at home, where i was needed. where i needed to be. to be with my family and my uncle. for comfort, and love, and just support. it's as if everything happened at a blink of an eye. one morning we were laughing sitting at the kitchen table as we usually did with everyone, and the next... he was gone. how is this holiday season supposed to be joyous? how are we supposed to forget the devastation we encountered this time last year. we all put our "happy" faces on last holiday season, but this year will be a lot different...
a year later and images are still running through my head... a man that had dropped down to about 90 pounds walking out of the store, holding bags, just to buy a few extra things on Christmas Eve for his family. a man so happy when i brought over my feather down comforter because of his extreme weight loss was hard to get comfortable. a man that the last time i saw him, still gave me that same uncle mark face... as if i had said something dumb; the same same face i wish was here today. the same man that sat in my kitchen eating snowballs i had made as if he hadn't eaten in years; because of the throat cancer nothing would stay down. the same man that hugged me for the last time thanking me. a genuine hug, a real beautiful long hug. my uncle. i miss you. life hasn't been the same without you, Thanksgiving, Christmas, everything will never be the same without you...
driving passed your house isn't the same. you aren't there with your buffalo bills flag waving in the air, reppin' your buffalo bills coat and sweats as you sit on the porch. driving down deer run drive isn't the same. you aren't there. in your car... wearing the sunglasses you've had since the 80's. i'm not there to honk at you, and you completely oblivious to my obnoxious honk and wave aren't passing by. you aren't going to be passing by. i admit i drive by your house, hoping, wishing that one day i'll drive by and there you'll be sitting on the porch... just sitting. i wake up from that dream quickly. i miss just stopping by to say hi, and talk. it's cold now that you're gone... it's not the same. you got about as excited for the holidays as i did. it'll never be the same. NEVER.
but i can't sit here and be sad. i'm thankful for the memories we have. that we all have. the countless holidays together. our families inseparable. our jokes, our laughs, our family arguments. the garthrights' and the lauzonis'. the Garthright's and the Lauzonis's. perfect. the pictures, the videos, all will fade. but we'll have those memories that we'll cherish forever. i'm thankful for the time you were in my life. for you being my uncle, for the things i learned from you, and for the impact you made.

it is however almost thanksgiving time... i am thankful for the time you were in my life; more so all of our lives.

you're truly missed.

i'll get out of this mood... God help me.
i'll remember to be thankful for the time, be thankful you're in a better place Uncle Mark... and not be selfish and want you back.
love you. miss you, always.

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